How To Walk Softly

Ever wondered what the quietest way to walk is? Use the outsides of your feet, as opposed to stepping heel toe.

This information brought to you courtesy of U.S. Army survival training.

-Office Monkey Blog-
Just when you thought you knew what this blog was about, we go and throw some random knowledge on ya.

Schmetrosexual

What is this word I'm suddenly hearing tossed around, "retrosexual"?

I just noticed it a not too long ago on some link to an article about Vince Vaughan, but didn't think much of it until I saw another such link to an article about Russell Crowe.

So, ever the investigative journalist, I googled it. And here's what I found.

Wordspy defines the term:
retrosexual (ret.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. A man with an undeveloped aesthetic sense who spends as little time and money as possible on his appearance and lifestyle. Also: retro-sexual.
—retrosexuality n.

If you feel inclined to scroll further down, you'll see that a certain Mark Simpson is credited with coining the phrase, "metrosexual," which started this hullaballoo in the first place.

Geez Louise, us Americans sure love a good label. To be fair, though, I'm just as guilty of this, having had recently branded my boyfriend a "nerd lover," an accusation justified by the very existence of our relationship.

Ponder that, my pretties.

A Right Proper Gentleman

Now, I almost never blog about people I work with, unless I'm being anecdotal or complimentary, but I have to make a comment about one of the little dudes in the office with me.

I'm guessing he's about a year out of college and out here in L.A. I know he's from the South and is EXTREMELY nice, but has this really, really annoying habit of using excessively proper and antiquated language and deliberate diction because I think he is terrified of sounding like some kind of Southern bumpkin.

Here are some examples:

When he had some troubles with the fax machine, he'd say, "Blast!" Or when the other P.A. in the office asked him about a girl he used to date, he responded that their last chat was, "cordial."

But I think the incident that annoyed me the most was when I overheard him talking with someone who noted with interest that even though he grew up in the South, he had no accent. And he responded, "Well, I think that might be attributed to the fact that I rarely spent time with my peers."

I'm sorry, but who talks like that? For serious.

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy

From Reuters:

The 'Buddy on Demand' blow-up man. He fits in a car's glove box, appears at a flick of a switch and when a woman has finished using him, she can just pull the plug and he deflates. (Sheilas' Wheels/Handout/Reuters)

Word has it that development is already in progress for 'Buddy on Demand 2.0,' who will be capable of unnecessarily fiddling with buttons on the dash (including, of course, the radio), back-seat driving and complaining that the female driver is in the "slowest lane possible" and should, "pull over and let him drive."

Who is this?

Ashlee Simpson seems determined to become so generic-looking that it's impossible to even identify her these days. With her new nose, fake tan, gleaming-white choppers, shrinking frame and typically trendy and unflattering Hollywood starlet outfit, it's hard to know who the hell she is.

Is it the lost Olsen triplet?

Nicole Richie's cousin?

Some girl who hosts a travel show on E!?

Ugh. It's like she's had any shred of a personality surgically removed. Good luck with your career as an indistinguishable clone. I eagerly await your obligatory photo spread in some men's magazine in the near future.

Please don't ever procreate.

My Back-Up Plan

As many of you may or may not know, I have a fool-proof back-up plan, just in case this whole entertainment thing doesn't pan out for me:

Get my hands on a shit-ton of fertility drugs and get pregnant with adorable twins, whom I can pimp out as child actors and build an empire of money, television shows and sweet, sweet merchandise.

Cause functional childhoods are for poor people.

Comedy Central Wants to Eat Your Baby

Recently, I posted about how I was going to submit my 5-minute cartoon and (with my sketch comedy group) a sketch comedy show to Comedy Central's Test Pilot Contest.

After I finally sat down to read the guidelines of the agreement my friends and I would be signing, we realized (also after a chat with an entertainment lawyer) that it was NOT a good idea to participate in the contest because of how much we would be giving away. Here's what tipped me off:

You hereby grant to CP the non-exclusive, royalty-free, irrevocable right and license to use and otherwise exploit the Materials, in whole or in part, which shall include, without limitation, the right to exhibit, broadcast, copy, reproduce, encode, compress, encrypt, incorporate data into, edit, broadcast, rebroadcast, transmit, record, publicly perform, create derivative works of, and distribute and synchronize in timed relation to visual elements, the Materials and/or any portions or excerpts thereof, in any manner, an unlimited number of times, in any and all media, now known or hereafter devised, throughout the world, in perpetuity.

So, for those of you considering submitting your work, just make sure you know what you're going to be giving up.

The Office Monkey Returns

Believe it or not folks, I'm back in an office again--but have no fear, it's just for 3 weeks or so to work in the bowels of production for a comedy special for A&E. I've become so spoiled these past few months, living the life of a free range office monkey, that I'm a little worried I've forgotten how to behave betwixt cubicle walls. I guess showing up in my pj's, a bowl of cereal in hand, might not make the best first impression on my first day back in the grind.

If you don't hear back from me in at least a few days, please, send help.

Or at least a 3-hole punch.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

I found myself popping in one of my favorite DVD's of all time (The Truth About Cats & Dogs) to keep me occupied whilst I worked on some drawings for "Still Lisa," and was reminded of how much I love Uma Thurman.

Earlier today, I spoke with someone who had worked on "My Super Ex-Girlfriend," and she told me that the script was pretty funny, so she expects the movie will be pretty good--she can only assume because she quit before it was finished shooting. So, this raises my expectations for the movie, which I was planning to go see regardless because it just seems like fun.

Here's hoping Uma delivers.

"Still Lisa"

Here's a sneak preview of the main character for the cartoon my friends and I have created, based on a slightly more cartoony version of my personality, highliting my remarkably short attention span.

Her name is, of course, Lisa and we're submitting our 5-minute pilot idea to Comedy Central, so when it's up there and it's time to vote, I expect all of you to dutifully vote for yours truly.

Actually, I'll be submitting two of them, another one for "Employee of the Month," so don't forget to vote for both.

Finally, I have a good excuse to show for why I've been neglecting "Office Monkey" lately.

The Best Passive-Aggressive Wedding Gift of The Year

Can't figure out exactly how to tell your best guy friend that even though you're grudgingly agreeing to attend his wedding, you really would like to show him exactly what you think of his trashy, immature, gold-digging young bride who has chronic thong concealment issues?

Why not try giving him the Christopher & Adrianne Commemorative Wedding Candle?

The Internet's Newest Socialite

I don't believe that I properly introduced my Office Monkey readers to the fact that I'm now currently blogging full-time for A Socialite's Life, although I'm sure I've told most of you in person already.

For those of you who didn't know, here are some cool mentions of the press release, announcing my new J-O-B.

-The Press Release where it all began.

-Blogebrity

-Fameish Media, A Socialite's parent company does some talkin' about me.

-Wizbang Pop!

And, in case you're wondering if this post seems a little self-congratulatory, let me just clear things up and let you know that yes, it is utterly and completely so.

Thanks for reading, guys. :)

Waist Deep...no pun here.

At the behest of my visiting brother-in-law, I went to go see "Waist Deep" at the Arclight this Saturday.

Right off the bat, let me just tell you the best part of the movie without giving too much away: Getting to see Kimora Lee Simmons tied up and gagged is pretty much the high point.

The Game played the arch-villain, an angry menacing gangster with a fucked-up eye and a tendency to slice off his victims' body parts with his machete. Partway through the movie, I remembered his appearance on the dating show, Change of Heart, when his girlfriend left him holding his "Stay Together" sign, while she opted for a "Change of heart."

I leaned over to tell my sister, to which she replied, "Well, maybe that's why he's so angry now."

Good point, Heidi. I like to imagine that's part of his backstory. Maybe he cried so much from the break-up that it fucked up one of his eyes. That would piss me off too.

So, here are the things I learned from the movie:

1) All one really needs to pull off a successful bank robbery is hooker shoes, a push-up bra and a multitude of wigs and weaves. And, Heidi added, lots and lots of lip gloss.

2) Mexico is a less dangerous place to live than Los Angeles.

3) Tyrese must have gained some weight because I can't figure out why he never took off his shirt. I guess he's fully graduated from video-ho to serious actor.